On marriage and me

I am very romantic person who for the longest time ( and still at times) believed in finding my other half that would make me whole. That was when I was 12 or something, but always had a unsettling feeling in the back of my heart.
I love dating and meeting new guys, I am bit boy crazy but yet I don't want to marry. I just don't see myself marrying someone and becoming a wifey. Nor do I see myself as an over-working mother running to make dinner and pick up my children at day care. I am not at all like certain women that do not want marriage because "men are dogs".

I still believe that I will meet the one, and we will live together maybe but never marry. I might be a fabulous single mother that has 3 adopted kids. I just have so many things I want outta life that i feel that following the traditional way will hinder my dreams. I want to travel and immerse myself in multiple cultures, love and go on adventures without having someone to tell me what to do. I imagine my life as Carrie Bradshaw's life in sex and the city2 (movie), happily working for a magazine or newspaper, watching movies with my love and going to fab places around the world

Merry christmas!

This was my second Christmas without my grandfather, slowly my heart is starting to heal after we lost him. We had a huge dinner with my dad's cousin and her family. My little sister was pleased with her gifts, she got mostly educative games. I got a lomo (yaaaaaaaaaaaaay), it s a mini Russian camera it s almost like a plastic toy but it s so cool, i wanted it so much,. I also got a necklace with earrings, a body shop gift set, and 3 rings.

Later I went clubbing with my sister and older cousins, it was really fun. I missed the clubbing in Africa, it's so much better than in London. The music is good, people drink reasonably and dance the night away. While in England it's mostly getting drunk and doing stupid things, but there are too many smokers inside clubs in Africa since it's not banned.I didn't stop for a minute I danced so much, the whole night actually

I saw old acquaintances, we couldn't really talk with the loud music and we didn't have much to say. Later on I saw an old friend from my french school, we weren't best friends or anything. But she always was there for me, especially when I was in a abusive relationship. She is the only one who understood how serious it was unlike others who blamed me for not making enough efforts. She is just someone I really like and admire. This girl is so hardworking, i see her as a girl my age who is an excellent model.

More on resolutions

"Behind every trial and sorrow that He makes us shoulder, God has a reason."
— Khaled Hosseini (A Thousand Splendid Suns)

"Marriage can wait, education cannot."
— Khaled Hosseini (A Thousand Splendid Suns)

 I found two beautiful quotes that have guided me along my life and I will remain standing by them as 2011 approaches

What's different now?

I realized coming back home that I have changed even though it's not visible to the human eye. I feel more mature, more grown up and i have a lot more confidence.

I use to have a lot of self-esteem issues which resulted in getting in bad relationships that didn't benefit me in any way. Since then I have learnt my lesson, men come and go and no one is going to save me ( no guy cares about emotional baggage and shitty drama, so deal with it). Before letting other loving you, i needed to love myself to understand the right kind of love i deserved.

I still feel a bit like a kid, I am unsure about certain things in my life and what i really want. But i have matured, I now cook for myself ( i never did it), clean my room and keep it tidy ( sometimes it can get messy but...) I manage my shopping, I don't engage in stupid behavior ( promiscuity, drinking heavily alcohol with random people,  i don't even drink to be honest, or do drugs)

Back home

So i came back for Christmas, I missed my family a lot especially my little sister. I have been taking care of her since I was fourteen, it was thanks to her that I manage to stay focus and not loose hope in difficult times. She was a reminder that I needed to be an example to her, she is also one of the reasons I am going natural. How can I tell her to love her hair and be relaxed at the same time? Anyways I missed my family even though they can get on my nerves. I am happy to be back in Africa, see my beloved sun. I just realized how I love being in the water and the sun. I felt instantly happy swimming and having the sun shinning on me.

For colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow isnt enuff

I finally watched the movie and I really don't get the criticisms. It's beautifully crafted and very realistic. There is none of the exaggerations Tyler Perry is so fond of ( ex: women getting thrown out the house with such exaggeration and drama ). Now, many male views on this movies have criticized Perry for portraying negatively men....well, excuse me! This movie is not to portray a fantasy but reality, women are still mistreated very much by men. Besides it's not Perry's fault, he just put into script the original poems. He did not invent most of the abuse, mistreatment women were receiving, they come from the poems. I loved he poems and I can't wait to buy the book to read the originals.


The movie brought to light on a issue we don't usually acknowledge or know about, rape. But a kind of rape, not perpetuated by a stranger, but by someone we know. Someone we might have invited in our homes, laughed with, even liked at some point. One of the characters invites a man she was dating to her house to have dinner. And he rapes her shamelessly, telling her "you knew it was gonna happen"
It was very shocking, and reminds us that when dating we should still be careful as we don't know these people, sometimes they are complete starngers met a club or in the streets.

OH MY GOD!

I just found my elementary school crush....on facebook...i cannot believe it...I looked for him for so long! It was last year of elementary, I had lost my friends, my house in a civil war and was placed in this posh white school...must i say...i hated it!

I was very angry I guess because of being displaced, that I wasn't as nice as I was. I was mean for sure but I didn't let no one disrespect Africa, as if it had become a sister to me. A a result because of being overly sensitive and also because of racism, I was alienated from the kids at time, I found my passion for books around that time.
My crush was this really cute guy nicknamed banana ( i have no idea why), he was quite popular and I suspect had also a crush on me. I was horrible at sports and once no one wanted to partner up with me, and he walked up to me and said: Come on I ll play with you. He was really irritating, elementary boys but at the times he would be extremely nice to me when no one was around. He was also my neighbor in class. He is not as good looking than in my memories though ( shame)

Aaaaaaah I can't believe it, it brings memories back and I feel so <3 remembering it...I can't believe  i found him and i had looked so many times on facebook for him. I hope he accepts my friend request and remnbers me

The exceptions

Here is an interesting article from http://www.verysmartbrothas.com about women and exceptions by Panama Jackson

http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/the-exceptions/

Excerpt:
"This actually happened to me more than a few times. After a little while of “getting to know you” convos (and because we’re Black), the how did you come up convo arises with the inevitable church background story. Many women will tell you they want a man to go to church with them every Sunday and help build them up spiritually, etc. Then you drop the, “yeah, well I don’t go to church and have no intention of doing so.” Without missing a beat, “well you do believe in God right? Because as long as that’s the case I’ll look past the fact that church really matters to me and you’d never go with me. I have cable.”

I found it very interesting and sadly true. Women always set these really high standards and as soon as a man comes along we thrown them away without blinking, i know i have sometimes.... It's just that I think women try to change the man into the behavior they want. We start liking before checking our list of standards, and we hope to change a man. What I have learn so far, is you can never change a person. No matter how much you try and love that person, they will not change.

NB: I should add "not lowering my standards for anyone" to my list of resolutions ;)
And also this website is very funny and insightful in understanding men, especially black men. It helps sometimes ( there are times where it's too sarcastic and macho views that I don't believe) to understand how perceive women and relationships

2011 Resolutions! more

-Learn to manage money and save money
-Continue to transition from relaxed to natural hair
-No mo procrastination! No mo facebook during the week except fridays and sundays. No mo watching series like it's some marathon, one episode a day is enough ( i watch like 10 in day )
-Get involved in the Uni community
-Be aware of the news, read more journals
-Write for uni s journal
-Dating can wait
-Stop talking so much about u and listen more to others
-Post on blog 1 post a day

Men and me

Like the author from Eat Pray and Love ( talked about it in the previous post), I have been in and out of relationships without pausing. As if I didn't want to deal with myself or couldn't stand myself sadly. I don't know why I tend to be a bit too obsessed with guys, it leads me too often to bad relationships.
I always a loneliness, i always wanted someone to talk to every night about everything, someone to confide in, someone who would really listen. And its because i want it so badly, that I am blind in relationships and get with super jerks.

But I decided for 2011 things must change, I want to learn how to appreciate being just me. Doing things by myself or with friends. I want to be free of this loneliness and be content with myself. I know must work on my self-esteem also. But I do accept that I like dating, cuddling and kissing but I want to be more independent and more "just me"
I have never had a really ( honest without feeling attraction) relation with a guy, I mean I have never had a guy friend. For 2011 I intend on changing this also, I want make more guy friends and be a better friend.

I am going to stop attempting to date guys, have more guys friends and enjoy my singlehood!
Learn more about myself, educate myself and have fun...and one day who knows the right guy will come along. No mo jerks! ;)

Eat, Explore, Love

A rough start but I am not going to let this continue. Have you read Eat, Pray and Love? It is a fabulous book, one of my favorites and i feel the author's struggles are just like hers. The book is about a lady in her 30s that is tired of doing what everyone expects her to do, have baby and settle down. She divorces her husband and decides to eat in italy, pray in india, love in bali during a year. I highly recommend, especially if you sometimes question your life.

So i decided to do the same, but in London. Eat, Explore and Love. It's my new resolution for 2011.

Eat: Every week indulge in something fabolous (for 5 pounds no more), a chocolat, a croissant, whatever. Just because it makes me feel good and I deserve it et c'est tout!

Explore: London is a beautiful city with so many things going on! I decided to make 100 new friends next term, or more...It's important to get out there and explore and meet people. Swedish people might be more interesting than I thought.  I will also visit all the places I have been wanting to go forever, Brick Lane, festivals, vintage shops, fairs. Start lumography! No more being shy

Love: Be a good friend, because i am surrounded by very good people, and I do want them to know I acknowledge their kindness. Become friends with more people also. Love and guys, I am going to wait a bit and stop throwing myself into them because I am tired of being deceived. Instead I will be looking to better my relationship with God and Nossa Senhora and my grandfather. Love life also, enjoy it to the fullest so I can remember this year as memorable

It's been a rough start

To tell you the truth, university has not been so great.
I had great expectations, I wanted it all. I was quite nervous at making friends and a bit anti social as a result. I was a bit lost and confused, and someone even managed to take advanatge...i disgress.

Like i said i thought going to university, especially mine, i would meet interesting and diverse people with great minds, and we would connect and spend the whole of the night talking politics. It didn't happen. Same ignorance than in highschool, few diverse people ( when i say diverse i mean ecletic and afrocentric people from africa, asia, latin america, third world i mean, not swedish, italian, or english people). I was disapointed to see so little africans or blacks should i say.

Living in an expensive city has been tough for me, i came close to be like dirt broke poor ( i am almost there right now but i am keeping my head outa the water :( )

And its hard out there, London has so many to offer but it can such a lonely lace for a shy girl like me
Sometimes going back to my room, i miss human presence especially when i hear my flatmates.
I am bit disappointed in uni experience, i expected more and i thought i d be super happy all the time ( i am finally independent and knowing can tell me nuthiiin!) I feel a bit disoriented and i regret being so shy, i wish i had been more outspoken. Oh life!

NB: no offense to swedish and italian people, i just didn't expect to see so many europeans 

New account

http://mangosweet.tumblr.com/

i will still be posting but this account will be my visual, i love pretty pictures and art so i ll be posting them on my tumnlr n who knows my pictures too

On beauty and Familia

In my family we all have inherited the same features that are the "brand" of our family. Everyone except me, I look a lot more like my dad's side but unfortunately i see them so rarely that I don't feel the special connection of resemblance with them. I look nothing like my mom's side whom i spend all my time with. However my sisters are practically mini clones of the women in that side.

The thing is, I have very african features that despite my light skin has fooled many people in believing I was 100per cent african, which as we all know are the features that society has been rejecting for years. I have no problem with them, I love the way I look but my family is another story. I was always the ugly duckling that everyone tried to erase my distinctiveness to make me feel more a like with them. I have full lips that I love but my mother consistently draws attention to it, as if to protect me from what other people will say ( mind you they don't give a damn). My hair is the only thing I have that is not drawn attention to it. I don't know the classification of it, but it was always seen as "good" because it was longer than my sister, less thicker and less coarse than
hers. It's not like they criticized me or something, they did try to protect me but in a way that even as a child I could feel that my features were not desirable ones, and my hair was the only thing "okay"

Recently I took the decision to cut all my hair short at new years, which my mother is horrified because with my features I won't look good plus my African hair will take years to grow as she says.  I
feel like she is basically saying your big nose and big mouth will look bad without your hair ( your only good thing), and your African hair will not grown or look too nappy if short.

It really made me upset and  doubt of my decision, I am still decided to do it though. My family has not accepted my decision of stopping relaxers. They think it's ridiculous because only good hair is presentable enough to be worn out. Even my mother and grandmother who have loose curls always tried their best to hide it or straighten it.
Interestingly enough people who wear weaves and wigs are seen to them, as having bad hair, but even though my hair is bad like they say, I can't wear weaves. There's always been a sense of "we are better than them because our hair is better but we don't or must not wear our hair natural "

But I have had it with all this nonsense, I am tired of following the beauty model of light skin with long hair straight with Caucasian features.  I do not fit into this model and I believe in myself. I want to be me, not some the stupid model imposed by Caucasians!